


lead me to the light

by extasiswings



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soft Eddie Diaz, prompt collection, prompt fills
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:21:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25116091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extasiswings/pseuds/extasiswings
Summary: A series of prompt fills originally posted elsewhere. Buddie-centric. See individual chapters for summaries and ratings.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 163





	1. At the end of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt: “I would know him in death, at the end of the world.” Rating: T

Sometimes, there are things you just know. They can hit without warning, with striking clarity—sometimes you feel it in your body before it registers in your mind because it’s so certain. 

Eddie’s going to die. 

That’s what he knows.

He catches Buck’s eyes across the burning room and his heart stops, his whole body going cold a split second before the floor gives way underneath him—

—and he falls.

_I’m going to die_ , he thinks as he’s pinned by debris, thick clouds of smoke vicious and choking all around. There’s a sharp pain in his side that dulls as his vision swims. Shock. Adrenaline. 

He might be bleeding, but he can’t move enough to tell. He can’t move. 

_I’m going to die._

Eddie drifts.

A hand grasps his. Noise fades in and out of his ears—no more than scattered snippets through the fog—but he does hear his name. It’s the last thing he hears before everything goes black.

There’s a light…

_Eddie. Eddie Eddie Eddie please come back wake up come back to me please please please I love—_

He takes a step towards it. Hesitates. Behind him, it’s only dark. Eddie knows a lot about the dark, about the things that live there—guilt, shame, pain. The light is warm. Sweet. It doesn’t hurt. But still, he hesitates.

Eddie. Please.

He turns around. Follows the whisper thread like Eurydice, but there’s no one in front of him, only—

Eddie opens his eyes. The fluorescent hospital lights aren’t warm and they do hurt. He squeezes them shut again, chokes around the tube in his throat. A hand squeezes his and suddenly there’s a flurry of activity all around him. The tube comes out, he’s poked and prodded and looked over by what feels like a million different people, but eventually, he’s left alone. Or…almost alone.

Buck looks like he hasn’t slept in days, dark circles under red-rimmed eyes, unshaven and hollowed out. But he’s not saying a word, just sitting back in his chair, starting at Eddie like he’s some kind of miracle. 

“Were you—were you talking?” Eddie rasps out. His throat feels raw, but this feels too important to rest it. “I thought—I thought I heard you.”

“They weren’t sure if you were going to wake up,” Buck replies. “I—”

He chokes on what might be a sob or maybe a hysterical laugh, and Eddie—

Clarity. 

“I love you, too.”

Buck stills, eyes wide. The same noise escapes him once more, but then he’s closing the space and his mouth is on Eddie’s and—

_Oh._

_I lived._


	2. Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Stay close to the ones who feel like sunlight." Eddie & Christopher. Rating: G

Eddie grows familiar with the dark.

It doesn’t start with the injury—no, it begins creeping in before that, stealing in and around corners of his head, causing doubt, anxiety—but he sees it, feels it more after that, waking up in a field hospital and being crushed under a mountain of guilt and shame. His head is not a place he wants to be, with shadows twining through every thought, twisting around him until he’s paralyzed from it.

He gets discharged from the army, goes home—and he can’t sleep. His doctor gives him pills, but he’s afraid to take them, afraid of falling down the slippery slope of oblivion. 

He doesn’t trust himself. 

“Daddy?” 

It’s Christopher who saves him, who wanders into the living room rubbing at his eyes one night a few weeks after Eddie’s return. Eddie’s on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, trying to breathe through the ice in his lungs from whatever memory-dream stole into his consciousness when he managed to drift off for an hour. He exhales heavily and sits up, swiping a hand over his face.

“Yeah, buddy? What’s wrong?”

“I had a bad dream.” 

_You and me both._

Eddie opens his arms and Christopher clambers up onto the couch, burying his face in Eddie’s shoulder and clinging. Eddie rests his chin on Christopher’s forehead and closes his eyes, rubbing his son’s back gently. He’s soothed by the motion as well, the repetitiveness—he matches his own breathing to Christopher’s and it evens out, some of the tightness in his chest loosening. 

“You want to talk about it?” He asks quietly.

“There was a monster under my bed,” Christopher says. “It had big sharp teeth and it jumped on me and then I woke up.”

Eddie hums and Chris cuddles closer. 

“Don’t worry, buddy,” he replies. “I won’t let the monsters get you. I promise.”

“Can I sleep here with you tonight?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Eddie stretches out again, readjusting them into a more comfortable position with Christopher on his chest. There’s probably nothing to worry about, he tells himself. He doesn’t expect to fall asleep again anyway. 

Except, he does. He sleeps. And he doesn’t dream. And he feels…better. Not perfect, not even closer. But better. Solid. Like he’s actually in his body instead of floating above it. Like his feet are on the ground.

It happens more and more. Christopher starts demanding snuggles before bed and Eddie can’t do anything but oblige, sometimes on the couch but more often than not folding himself up to cram into a child-sized bed. He spends more time with Christopher during the days too and is struck with no end of wonder, marveling and in awe of his son’s resilience and openness and pure love of life. Eddie feels full of shadows, but Christopher radiates light, warmth, joy—and the more time they spend together, the more Eddie absorbs it.

And slowly, the shadows recede.


	3. Intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is “you’re safe with me” – that’s intimacy.” Buck & Eddie. Rating: T

Eddie hates overnight shifts. The bunks at the station are as comfortable as they can be for what they are, but that doesn’t change the fact that even after two years, Eddie can’t seem to convince his brain that the station is a familiar, safe place to sleep. He’s grateful when they get calls that yank them out of bed before he can sink too far into dreams because he’s always tense, worried that he’ll slip under the dark haze that’s lingered ever since he left the army. 

But, he can’t always avoid it.

He snaps awake shivering, gunpowder in his nose and blood on his tongue—he must have bitten it in his sleep. He’s drenched in sweat, his heart races. The only saving grace is that when he looks around, he doesn’t seem to have woken up anyone else.

He rubs his hands over his face and tries to stop shaking. Eventually, he just gets up and slips out of the room. 

The kitchen is dark, the station quiet. Eddie grabs a bottle of water from the refrigerator and takes a long swig, swishing it around and spitting back into the sink to rinse the blood out of his mouth. Then, he caps it again and presses it to the side of his neck, the chill soothing against his skin. 

_“Diaz! I’m out of ammo!”_

_“ETA six minutes.”_

_“We don’t have six minutes.”_

_“Diaz—”_

“Eddie?”

Eddie jumps, the bottle slipping from his fingers. He flinches when it hits the ground, the noise too loud in the small space. 

“Woah, woah, woah, it’s okay. Just me.” Buck. 

Buck’s brow is furrowed, his hands up, palms open. Eddie swallows hard, clenches and unclenches his hands to try and get them to stop trembling. He breathes.

“Sorry,” he rasps out.

Buck shakes his head. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I—are you okay?”

Eddie bends down to pick up the water bottle. His shoulders are tight, stomach twisted up in knots—Buck’s eyes may be soft and nonjudgmental, but Eddie’s anxiety spikes anyway. He doesn’t talk about this. Shoves it down, pushes it aside, tries not to think about it when it isn’t directly happening. He doesn’t want to make a fuss, doesn’t want there to be something wrong with him. Doesn’t want there to be something he can’t handle himself. 

But. Buck’s never thought of him as a failure. Buck’s never thought of him as weak. 

Eddie exhales and rolls his shoulders, uncaps the bottle and takes a long swig.

“I—um—yeah,” he answers finally. “Sometimes, I—”

Buck’s gaze is steady. Patient. Eddie clears his throat and fights against the anxiety welling up in his chest.

“—I have nightmares,” he forces out. Buck just nods.

“Because of the war?”

“Yeah.” Eddie leans heavily against the counter, turning the water bottle over in his hands, avoiding Buck’s eyes. “I, uh, my last mission in Afghanistan, our helicopter was shot down. My unit, we took heavy fire, barely made it out—I was shot three times. Got a medical discharge a few weeks later.”

Buck hums quietly. He takes a step forward. “Your silver star?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I touch you?” 

Eddie looks up, startled. That wasn’t what he expected. 

He wets his lips. “I—okay.”

Buck doesn’t hug him—his hands settle on Eddie’s shoulders, steady, grounding. His thumbs dig into the tendons at the side of Eddie’s neck and sweep gently up and down, pressing the tension out. Eddie sets the water bottle aside and tentatively rests his hands on Buck’s waist, leaning into him.

“What would you do if you were at home right now?” Buck’s voice is still quiet, soothing, and Eddie’s breathing evens out, his pulse calms. 

“I’d go sit in Christopher’s room,” he replies. “Watch him sleep for a bit. That—that usually helps.”

“Well, I’m not Chris,” Buck acknowledges—Eddie can hear the smile in his voice— “—but we could go the rec room, sit on the couch, maybe watch something?”

“You don’t have to do that—” Eddie starts, feeling guilty at the idea of keeping Buck up with this. 

“Hey.” Buck pulls back, his touch stilling. “I want to. You shouldn’t have to deal with this stuff alone. Okay?”

 _God, I love you._

The thought steals his breath all over again for an entirely different reason. 

_Oh. Well. That’s—oh._

“Okay.”

Buck smiles. “Okay.”


	4. Faithful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Among the faithless, faithful only he.” Buck/Eddie, 3x18 tag. Rating: T.

“Buck.” 

The truck stops back in the station and Buck is off like a shot, ignoring the way Eddie calls after him. It’s been a long shift, and technically still isn’t over, but it might as well be—they’re not expecting to get sent out again in their last few minutes after spending hours cleaning up the train derailment. Eddie is exhausted down to his very bones, aches in muscles he forgot he even had. But he’s not worried about himself—he’s worried about Buck.

He swings down off the truck and Hen is leaning against the side of the other, arms crossed, her brow furrowed as she looks off after Buck.

“Did I hear right?” She asks. “Abby?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.”

Eddie sighs. “I’m gonna—”

“Yeah—yeah, you should. Go after him.”

The thing is, Eddie knew vaguely that Buck had an ex named Abby who left before he started. He knew that Buck had spent months hanging onto a relationship that everyone but him seemed to understand was already over. But it’s been nearly two years and Buck’s dated—Eddie hadn’t realized how affected Buck still was until he saw his face earlier in the night, until Buck recklessly risked his life to save her new fiancé. 

There’s something fierce and protective inside him that makes him want to snap and snarl and claw on Buck’s behalf. But as there’s no one to snap at—Abby’s been gone for hours—Eddie will settle for making sure Buck is okay. So he strips down and heads to the showers.

“Buck.”

The other man is facing the wall, head bowed low under the spray. He doesn’t react until Eddie says his name again.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yeah, well, you could have died tonight,” Eddie shoots back. “So, we’re going to.”

Buck lifts his head and glares. “I knew what I was doing, Eddie. Just because you and Bobby decided to treat me like a child doesn’t mean I am one—”

“Yeah, and I’m not an idiot. I know what a suicide mission looks like. So maybe let’s be honest with each other, okay?”

That was why he walked away before, let Bobby take over. Because he had been afraid of what he might say, what might slip out in the heat of the moment with tensions running high. He had been half-tempted to grab Buck by his shoulders and step in close—

_Don’t you understand? Don’t you know that we care about you? That we need you? That I—_

Buck deflates, his mask of set jaw and sparking eyes cracking, slipping away to reveal the devastation underneath. 

“I wasn’t trying to—” Buck swipes at his eyes, rubs a hand over his face. “It really wasn’t like that, I swear, I was…almost positive I could do it. That I could save him. And I did—I _did_ , dammit, I—”

Eddie doesn’t hesitate. He steps under the spray with Buck, pulling him into his arms. For half a moment, Buck resists the pull, but then he shudders and drops his head to Eddie’s shoulder.

“I saved him,” Buck repeats, muffled and wet against Eddie’s skin. Eddie bites his lip and closes his eyes, tightening his arms.

“I know. I know you did.”

“I gave her everything. I did _everything_ right. Even tonight, after all this time, seeing her again was just—I’m not still in love with her, but it didn’t matter, I still wanted—and it still wasn’t enough. _I_ wasn’t.”

Eddie’s stomach drops, his throat getting tight. He pulls back, sliding one hand around Buck’s neck to look him in the eye. 

“Hey. Listen to me.” Buck’s eyes are red, but he looks up. Eddie swallows. 

“You are enough,” he says. “You are more than enough. God, Buck—everything you’ve done for me, for Christopher, for this team, and yeah, hell, everything you did for her tonight—it’s incredible. And it means more than I could ever—you’re enough. I see that. I see you. If she couldn’t, that just means she didn’t deserve you.”

Buck exhales shakily, his eyes closing. He’s quiet for a long moment.

“Everyone always leaves,” he admits, eyes still closed. “My whole life, nobody—nobody ever stays.”

“I’ll stay,” Eddie promises. Buck makes a hurt sound, but still doesn’t open his eyes. Eddie’s thumb gently strokes the side of his neck.

“I’ll stay,” he repeats. “Let me prove it.”

“Eddie…”

Eddie sways closer, presses his forehead against Buck’s. 

“Let me. Please.”

 _Let me be good for you, too._

Buck shudders again, but then his hand is sliding around the back of Eddie’s neck and his mouth is on his and Eddie—

—feels like he’s come home.


	5. Ravish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “He cannot ravish; he can only woo.” Buck/Eddie. Rating: T

Eddie realizes that he’s in love with Buck on a Thursday. 

It’s not an especially extraordinary moment—they’re in his kitchen a little buzzed because they aren’t scheduled the next day, it’s late, Christopher is asleep, and Eddie looks over halfway through asking Buck if he wants another beer only for his thoughts to stutter to a halt and then narrow to a single point—

— _Oh. It’s you_. 

It’s like a key turning in a lock. A puzzle piece clicking into place. A realization that was perhaps a long time coming, one that just…is. 

He’s in love with Buck. 

Eddie’s eyes trace the line of Buck’s neck, his jaw, his lips. It would be easy to close the distance, to press Buck against the counter and steal a kiss. To get his hands under Buck’s shirt and explore the miles of muscle and soft skin underneath. Buck is already beautiful, but Eddie nearly shivers thinking how he would look with his mouth kissed red, flushed and panting and stretched out underneath him in Eddie’s bed. Want drips down his spine, floods his veins, and for a moment he very seriously considers it.

But.

Eddie is good at sex. It is, in fact, the one thing he is confident that he won’t fuck up, the one area where he and Shannon consistently worked even when everything else fell apart. 

The problem is, if he falls into bed with Buck—and he’s pretty sure Buck wouldn’t mind that based on some of the looks Eddie has caught in the past—he’s not convinced he won’t fuck up everything else. And Buck is too important, their relationship is too important, to mess it up by moving too fast. 

So. That’s off the table. 

“Eddie?” Clearly, he’s been silent for too long because Buck is starting to look concerned. Eddie wets his lips. Opens his mouth to apologize for spacing out, but what comes out instead is—

“We should have dinner.” 

Buck laughs. “Isn’t that what we did three hours ago?”

“No, I mean—” Eddie curses the clumsiness of his tongue, feeling about fifteen years old again trying to ask the prettiest girl in class to homecoming dance. “—we should. Just us. Somewhere nice maybe. Quiet. So we can…talk.”

He sees the moment it clicks for Buck.

“Like a date?” 

Eddie swallows hard. Why is this so difficult? 

“Would you want it to be?”

Buck’s smile is brilliant.

“Yes.”


	6. Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.” Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

If Eddie had to pick a word to describe Buck, it would be light. From the end of their first shift, by the time Buck finally melts, smiling at him—

_You could have my back any day._

_Or, you know, you could have mine._

—it’s like magic. Buck radiates light and warmth and pure goodness and Eddie feels like he absorbs it just by being around him. His own head is full of shadows—guilt, shame, stress, doubt, things that Christopher alone can’t help with—but he leans into Buck, shoulders and arms brushing as they walk, doling out pieces of himself in small, careful measure. Buck never turns away. 

Shannon had. His own parents had. And Eddie doesn’t blame them really, doesn’t expect anyone to want to step into dark with him and hold his hand as he fights his way out of it, doesn’t expect anyone to look at him and see how much he’s trying instead of just the resulting failure. 

But. Buck doesn’t turn away. And it’s—

Eddie falls in love with him a little bit over Carla. He shoves it down because he’s still married and that means something even if he hasn’t spoken to his wife in years, but he does. And even after Shannon dies—it doesn’t feel right, he doesn’t feel settled, because he tried, he really tried, and he wasn’t good enough, couldn’t keep her, couldn’t make her want to stay. He falls too far into the dark and reaching out to Buck feels impossible, like touching him would stain, dim that beautiful, brilliant light he has. 

Better to stay friends, better to not try and cross that line, to keep as much as he can rather than risk losing everything. So…Eddie doesn’t say a word.

At least, until Buck blows that plan out of the water. 

“You know, we really never talked about the train,” Eddie says one night when Christopher’s at camp, when the two of them are in Buck’s kitchen, just drinking and talking about everything and nothing. “Or about…Abby?”

Buck’s quiet for a long moment. “It’s not what you think,” he replies finally. “I’m not still in love with her or anything, I just—she was the first real relationship I ever had, the first person I ever really loved. I grew up a lot when I was with her and I think I needed closure, I guess. To realize that she didn’t change me, I did that myself, and I don’t need her in order to be the person I want to be. To stop being afraid of what’s next.”

“And what’s that?”

Buck drops his gaze for a moment, suddenly looking nervous for a reason that Eddie doesn’t understand until he looks back up and says—

“You. At least…if you want.”

Eddie doesn’t blink, doesn’t move, feels almost like he’s been flung out of his body from surprise because it’s the last thing, the last thing he ever expected to hear.

“Me.”

Buck swallows nervously, but his voice stays steady. “You.”

“I’m a mess,” Eddie replies. It’s not a deflection, not a no, it’s just—he can’t do this if Buck doesn’t understand— “I’m—”

“You think I don’t know that?” Buck asks. “You think that scares me? Eddie—just because I’ve gotten really good at hiding it doesn’t mean I don’t have a mountain of my own baggage. We’ve all got problems. The only thing that matters to me is whether you want me—the rest is all just…life.”

“You really mean that.”

“I really mean it. So…what do you say?”

Eddie kisses him. And Buck’s smile is radiant.


	7. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "I'm not good enough for you." Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

_I want him_ , is the first thought, a sharp, quick, shock of lust lighting up Buck’s nerves with more intensity than he’s felt in a good long while.

“Who the hell is that?” Is what he says out loud—spits, rather, shifting from lust to anger, bitterness, because Abby is coming back, she’s _coming back_ , and he promised to wait for her, and how dare this stranger make him _want_ anything, make him look, make him feel like his lungs are on fire and his blood is molten and like if he doesn’t get his tongue on this man’s abs in the next five minutes, he might die. Anger is easier. Simple. 

Except Eddie—that’s his name, Eddie, Eddie Diaz—is nice, Eddie is genuine, Eddie is good at his job and resists Buck’s attempts to make him reveal he’s secretly an ass, and well. Buck’s never been able to hold a grudge when he never had a good reason for it in the first place. So he lets that go and becomes Eddie’s friend and tries shoving the want down into the deepest corner of his mind so he can forget about it. It works…sometimes.

 _I can’t have him_ , is what Buck thinks when Shannon comes back, when he himself is reeling from finally accepting that things with Abby are over only to find out that when Eddie said Christopher’s mother wasn’t “in the picture,” he didn’t mean she was dead or that they were divorced, he literally meant that she was just…completely absent. Buck hates her a little bit for that, even though he doesn’t know her. Because he doesn’t understand how anyone could vanish from Christopher’s life without so much as a phone call for years—and yeah, okay, maybe his own abandonment issues shine through a little with that, but there’s a reason he tries not to say anything too directly about Shannon out loud. 

_I can’t lose you_ , comes after the lawsuit, after a fight in a grocery store, after unanswered texts and calls sent straight to voicemail. Buck feels like he’s bleeding the words into the chasm of space that separates him from Eddie at the end of his first shift back at work.

“I just want you to talk to me. Even if it’s only to say you’re still mad,” is what Buck says, and his heart is in his throat—he doesn’t breathe normally until Eddie finally replies, “I forgive you,” until Eddie hugs him and Buck wants to cling, to hold on forever, because he knows how close he came to losing Eddie and Christopher and everything else and he never wants to feel that kind of panic ever again. 

_I’m not good enough for you_ , is what Buck thinks when Eddie kisses him the first time—no roughness or edge or fierce passion, just a soft, sweet thing with a touch of insecurity. As if Eddie would ever need to be insecure about anything with him. Buck is the one to shift the tone, to press in harder, desperate, aching, his teeth nipping at Eddie’s lip, his jaw, his neck, hands tugging at Eddie’s clothes, because what if it’s the only time? If it is, Buck wants everything. At least one full memory to tuck away.

“Easy. We’ve got time,” Eddie breathes, and Buck whines.

 _Don’t leave me_ , is on the tip of his tongue.

“Take me to bed,” is what comes out. 

But after…after, Eddie slings an arm across Buck’s waist, presses close against Buck’s back, tucks his face into Buck’s neck with a sigh.

“Stay.”

And what else can Buck do but agree?


	8. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Kiss me.” “What?” “Just kiss me.” Buck/Eddie. Rating: G.

There are certain moments that can’t be easily explained. Moments where you look at someone or something and everything you think, everything you feel, changes in an instant, struck with a bolt of sudden clarity like lightning from the sky. 

Buck’s in the middle of one of those moments. He and Eddie are sitting at the table making a care package to send to Christopher at camp and he just turned to ask Eddie to pass the glue and—

Lightning. 

Eddie is attractive—Buck has always known that, even from day one, but he was careful to shove that knowledge down, to try and make it be an objective thing. _Eddie is attractive_ instead of _I am attracted to Eddie_. And if sometimes the two mixed, that didn’t automatically mean anything, right?

But they’re sitting at the table and Buck is in the middle of finishing a card telling Christopher how much he’s loved and missed like he’s Buck’s own kid because Buck _does_ love Christopher like his own, and Eddie is smiling at him, and Buck can’t even breathe with how much he wants…everything. Eddie. This life. Not as a friend, but as—

“Hey, you okay?” Eddie asks.

“I—” Buck’s throat feels as rough as sandpaper. With the realization, his world tips on its axis. His fingers itch to touch Eddie, but he doesn’t know if he can, doesn’t know if he’s allowed.

Eddie’s hand finds Buck’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “Buck?”

“Kiss me.” The words trip off his tongue unbidden and he can’t pull them back, can’t do anything but hold his breath and watch Eddie’s face.

Eddie’s eyes widen slightly, but he doesn’t pull away. “What?”

Buck wets his lips. “Just—”

Words fail and he leans in, closing the distance. Eddie makes a faint sound of surprise against his mouth, but his hand moves to curve around the back of Buck’s neck, keeping Buck close as it continues.

As Eddie kisses him back.


	9. Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Apparently everyone has a bet going that we get together.” Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

“So, I heard something interesting at Maddie’s tonight,” Buck says. His eyes flutter closed even as he tries to regulate his breathing and distract himself. Eddie hums in question as his mouth ghosts across Buck’s pulse point before moving lower, his fingers dragging teasingly over the waistband of Buck’s sweats.

Buck swallows hard. “Apparently everyone has a bet. About when we’re going to get together.”

Eddie stills, then laughs, low and breathless.

“Think we should we tell them?” Eddie’s fingers move lower and Buck shivers. Then, he drags Eddie back up to kiss him again. 

“They’ll figure it out eventually.”


	10. Pinned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Pin my hands above my head" kiss. Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

Buck bites back a whine of protest when Eddie grabs his wrists, stopping Buck from rucking up Eddie’s shirt any further and exploring the planes of warm skin underneath.

Eddie laughs, ghosting his lips along the edge of Buck’s jaw.

“Oh no, you’re not getting me undressed that easy,” Eddie teases, and Buck inhales sharply at the nip to his neck that punctuates the statement. “Don’t think I forgot about that stunt at work.”

( _That stunt at work_ meaning the way Buck had taken every opportunity to not-so-casually brush up against Eddie while they were washing dishes after dinner, winding both of them up while recognizing full well they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it for hours.)

“Not sorry,” Buck replies, arching up to try and catch Eddie’s mouth. Eddie pulls back and pushes Buck’s arms up over his head, pinning them against the pillows before leaning in again.

“I know,” Eddie says, and Buck shivers as he tests the hold on his wrists. “Which is why we’re going to take this nice and slow.”

“Big talk for someone who isn’t doing any—mm.”

Eddie steals the words from his tongue. And there’s no more talking for awhile.


	11. Explore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Hands exploring my body” kiss. Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

“Missed you,” Buck breathes, pulling Eddie over him on the couch. Christopher is at a sleepover so it’s the first time the two of them have managed to be alone in weeks and Buck is keyed up and buzzing with need. Buck’s hands dip under the hem of Eddie’s shirt, rucking it up as they run over the planes of his back and shoulders. Eddie reaches back and tugs the shirt off, tossing it aside as he leans in to steal a kiss.

“What do you need?” Eddie asks. “Tell me.”

Buck shivers. “Touch me.”

Eddie’s hands slide down Buck’s chest—Buck arches into the touch. Then, he drags Eddie’s mouth back to his.


	12. Go for the Title

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Shove me against a wall" kiss. Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

“You wanna go for the title?”

There’s no mistaking it—everything in Buck’s body language is screaming for attention, from the roll of his shoulders opening up his chest to the hand on his waistband to the way he stares at Eddie under lowered lashes. Eddie huffs a laugh and takes a slow pull from his beer, trying to ignore the way want curls hot in his stomach. 

“What, do you think I couldn’t take you?” He replies, setting the bottle on the counter. He watches the way Buck’s tongue sweeps out to wet his lips—it’s a dangerous game they’re playing, and maybe Eddie shouldn’t be encouraging it, but…

Buck takes another step into his space, throat working as he swallows hard. “Maybe that’s the idea.”

_Christ._

Eddie grabs the front of Buck’s shirt and shoves him up against the closest wall, not hard enough to hurt, but enough to make Buck’s breath catch. Eddie stops an inch away from kissing him.

“You sure?”

“Fuck’s sake, Eddie—what do you think?”

“I think…if you want something, you should ask for it.”

Buck swears under his breath and Eddie has half a moment to take that in before Buck grabs his hips and pins Eddie against the wall instead. And then Eddie’s being kissed and there isn’t anything else to say.


	13. Broken Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I broke my own heart. I couldn’t stand the suspense, waiting for you to.” Buck/Eddie. Rating: T.

Eddie Diaz knows he can be an idiot. But he’s not oblivious. He knows what he looks like to other people, he notices when he gets checked out on the street, he isn’t so oblivious that he can’t tell when he’s being flirted with. He knows when someone wants him.

And he also knows he’s a goddamn mess.

Buck isn’t a mess. Buck is...like a golden retriever. Earnest and loving and sweet. And obvious. Everything he feels is written all over his face at all times—he’ll step into Eddie’s space with a quip and dark eyes, and it never fails to make Eddie want to push him up against the nearest flat surface and make him understand that he’s playing with fire. Because Eddie knows Buck wants him.

But. He can’t.

Because his relationship with Shannon was a trainwreck and he has Christopher to think about and, and, and—

He can’t.

But he wants to so badly sometimes that he can’t breathe.

Really, it was only to be expected that he would slip.

Christopher is asleep and they’ve been drinking and Buck sways in on the couch and kisses him unexpectedly. And Eddie kisses him back.

He surges up and gets Buck underneath him, tongue sliding into Buck’s mouth as he gets his hands under Buck’s shirt. It’s hot and a little dirty and his mind is hazy until Buck arches his hips and breathes—

“God, Eddie, please—”

And Eddie stops like he’s been doused in cold water. 

He lets go abruptly and sits back, putting some distance between them as he rubs a hand over his face.

“Eddie?” Buck looks like sin, cheeks flushed, mouth red, clearly hard in his jeans, and it takes everything for Eddie to not just give in.

“I can’t do this,” he says. “We can’t—I can’t do this with you.”

“Oh.” The transition from sin to kicked puppy is fast enough that it makes Eddie feel like the worst person alive. “Right now, or?”

“We shouldn’t,” Eddie replies. “At all. I’m sorry if I made you think—”

“It’s fine,” Buck assures, even as he looks away so Eddie can’t see his face. “I get it. Um...I should...probably go home.”

“Probably.”

Buck blows out a breath and nods once. “Right. Okay. I’ll see you at work.”

“See you.”

The second the front door clicks shut, Eddie stares up at the ceiling and swears profusely. He tells himself Buck deserves better, that it was the right thing to do.

It doesn’t make him feel better.


	14. First Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “If we meet each other in Hell, it’s not Hell.” Buck/Eddie. Rating: G.

When Eddie agrees to join one of the LAFD strike teams to provide wildfire assistance, he’s thinking about two things—overtime and hazard pay. The last thing he expects is—

“Hey. It’s Diaz, right? From the 136? I’m Evan Buckley—Buck—118.”

—blond hair and blue eyes and a thousand-watt smile that makes his pulse skip.

It takes Eddie a minute to respond, clearing his throat and rubbing at the back of his neck.

“I—yeah, that’s me,” he says. “Buckley—wait, from the truck bombing a little while back?”

He swears internally when Buck’s bright blue eyes dim, that smile slipping briefly before he fixes it.

“Yeah,” Buck acknowledges. “All fixed up now though.”

Eddie clears his throat and searches for a less fraught conversation topic.

“You know, I almost ended up at the 118 myself.”

“I know,” Buck replies. “It came up after you were a big damn hero during the tsunami—free-climbing ferris wheels your specialty?”

“Nah, just something I like to do for fun,” Eddie shoots back, grinning when Buck laughs. 

“Well…” Buck bites his lip and gives Eddie a once-over that makes him blink and flush. “I suppose if it takes fighting some wildfires for us to finally meet, it will have been worth it.” 

Eddie looks away, rubbing at his neck again. He gets flirted with a fair amount on calls, but rarely does he actually want to be. It’s been over a year since Shannon died and he hasn’t tried actually dating since then, hasn’t really felt like putting himself out there despite the fact that he undoubtedly has nights where he feels the ache of loneliness that Christopher alone can’t completely fill. But, for the first time, he almost—well, he’s…intrigued. 

“Yeah, well, see how you feel after we’ve spent fourteen days together and are tired and cranky.”

Buck grins wider. “Somehow I don’t think that’ll change anything, but sure, we’ll see.”

Sure enough, fourteen days later, Buck’s shoulder bumps against his as they make their way back to the transport trucks home.

“So…dinner?”

Eddie ducks his head and smiles, enjoying the flicker of warmth in his stomach that has nothing to do with the heat of the day or the still-raging, albeit manageable, wildfire in the distance.

“You know…” Eddie wets his lips. “I have a kid. He’s nine.”

Buck’s expression doesn’t change. “I love kids. And, more importantly, kids love me.”

“Oh, is that so,” Eddie laughs.

“I hear the skepticism, and frankly, rude.” Buck’s arm brushes Eddie’s again, but Buck clears his throat before Eddie can respond.

“But um…I get it,” Buck assures. “And you know, it—it doesn’t have to be a date or anything like that, I’d just…like to get to know you more. When we can wear regular clothes and aren’t covered in ash all the time. Because I think you’re pretty great.”

Eddie swallows and glances at the trucks. They’re almost there. 

He looks back at Buck. “And if—if I wanted it to be? A date?”

Buck’s smile is radiant. “Well, in that case…name your day.”

And it’s…a start.


	15. Research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt: “Truthfully, this is the fabric of all my fantasies: love shown not by a kiss or a wild look or a careful hand but by a willingness for research.” Buck/Eddie. T.

After the well, Eddie starts watching Buck. 

He can’t quite explain why—he wakes up in a hospital bed only to see the other man slumped down asleep in a chair in the corner of the room, patches of stubble shadowing his jaw that Eddie might be more distracted by if not for the fact that even asleep Buck looks absolutely _wrecked_ —but he does. He starts watching quietly, paying extra attention, carefully cataloguing and filing things away.

He watches even more after Red, after he catches a glimpse of Buck’s face outside the hospital as Buck is helping Red to the fire truck while the rest of them stand at attention. It’s only a flicker, could just be a trick of the light, but for a moment Eddie thinks it looks like despair.

Eddie notices…a lot of things by watching closely. Like the way Buck’s smile slips sometimes when he thinks no one is around or when he’s lost in a memory of something or other. Like the way Buck glances at him sometimes late at night only to look away quickly, his jaw tightening with what Eddie thinks is guilt or shame—he doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t mind the way Buck looks at him.

He likes it. When Buck looks at him. It makes him feel…it makes him _feel_. 

Eddie notices. But he doesn’t know how to ask, doesn’t know whether pushing into a space that Buck hasn’t shown him intentionally is better or if it’s likely to get a brush-off. Or make him pull away. That’s the last thing Eddie wants. 

Abby forces his hand. Abby, who appears in the middle of an accident scene, who shatters Buck’s mask with six words like it’s the most fragile crystal—and for once, Eddie sees everything, fractals of pain and need and longing and heartbreak spilling across every line of Buck’s body. He can’t help himself from reaching out—

—only to second-guess himself at the last minute and let his hand ghost the air over Buck’s shoulder instead.

Still, after it all, after the shift is done and they’ve showered and changed out of uniform, Eddie catches Buck lingering in the parking lot in his jeep, the same look from before on his face, and Eddie—well.

“Come on,” Eddie says, opening the passenger door and sliding in. “I’m too worn out to drive—take me home and I’ll spring for takeout after a nap.”

It doesn’t help. Buck’s shoulders tense. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did I say you had to?” Eddie asks. “No. I said, take me home. And stay awhile. We don’t have to talk about it now or today, I—maybe I would prefer to have you around right now.”

Buck looks away and swallows hard. “She texted,” he admits. “Abby. My number hasn’t changed so—she wants to see me.”

“You don’t have to go,” Eddie replies.

“I know, I just—god, I’m so—it’s been two years and the second I saw her again it was like none of that mattered. Even knowing she moved on I still—I still wanted to be good enough. To be good enough for her.”

“You are. You’re better, actually, you—Buck.” Eddie reaches out, sliding his hand over Buck’s shoulder. “Look at me.”

Buck’s slow to move, but he does. 

“You’re good enough for the people who matter. The people who—” He nearly trips over the word, but manages somehow. “—who love you. You’re more than good enough.”

Buck’s eyes drop down to his lips and away so quickly that Eddie might have missed it if he hadn’t been watching so carefully. But he sees it. Sees it and the expected guilt, and for once, maybe because of the shift, maybe because of Abby, or maybe because they’ve been on the edge of something for a long time, instead of letting it go he responds.

“You’re good enough…for me.”

Buck’s breath catches. “Eddie…”

Their eyes meet for a moment, Buck’s searching and lost, hopeful but clearly trying not to be. Eddie’s tempted to lean in, to clarify by pressing his mouth to Buck’s, but…he’s also not convinced that’s what Buck needs. So instead, he squeezes Buck’s shoulder.

“Take me home,” he repeats quietly. “And stay.”

_Stay with us. Stay with me. Stay._

Buck exhales shakily and looks away, finally moving to fit the keys into the ignition and starting the jeep. 

“Okay.”


End file.
